Weeding

In my yard there are many weeds. They are invasive and I dislike them.

One morning, in an attempt to foil these unsightly nuisances, I apply a selective herbicide to their leafy stalks by use of a broadcast spreading device. The granules cling to the sticky dew where they will begin the wonderful process of injecting their virulent properties into the unsuspecting pests. I imagine the following morning: skipping with delight amongst their wilted remains. I am satisfied.

That evening as I retire, I am visited by an apparition of a bleeding dandelion. I flee to the lawn where an air-drawn bottle of Round-Up™ leads me to my neighbor’s yard. A crown sits atop the luscious Zoysia. The grass is greener.

Bad Dream

Last night, I experienced a most dreadful sort of nightmare.

It began with me being subjected to a series of awkward but rather mundane experiences: discovering that the power had been disconnected, then noticing a leak coming from the lavatory…malfunctioning utilities tend to provide me with a tremendous degree of anxiety.

Suddenly, I found myself clearing brush from the garden. This is where the most horrible part of the nightmare begins so please, prepare yourself.

I spotted a spider! Not just any spider, but a tarantula-esque one that was as big as my fist! Be advised that this dream is about to become unnaturally terrifying.

The spider was securing milk from the teat of another, much larger spider. That spider was as big as a basketball. It had the requisite demonic fangs for striking fear into the heart of its prey before sucking out its eternal soul. But that is not all, NOT EVEN BY A LONG SHOT. It also had synthetic teddy bear eyes that spun around in little circles, except they were not dark and plastic but yellow and made of cartoon.

Distressed, I quickly fumbled for the camera phone. I somehow managed to press my trembling fingers against the REC button just as the monster’s spinnerets began firing silk web all over my body.

Fortunately, it was in this instant that I was awoken. I scrambled for the phone with the obvious intention of uploading footage onto the internet. This is where things turn sour. Shockingly, dreams are non-transferable onto ordinary storage devices like camera phones.

I phoned the local news station about my scientific discovery. But they were not interested in the slightest at my dream. They told me that I was a very peculiar man and that they had no interest in reporting silly dreams on the nightly news. I told them that basketball-sized spiders were more threatening to humanity than the stupid swine flu, but they put the phone down on me!

Frustrated, I sought to loosen up a bit with a strong drink. I climbed out of the bed intending to first relieve myself when I noticed the water all over the bathroom floor.